What If vs What If?
STRATEGIZING. Problem solving. Predict and Fix. A lot of you are great at it. it’s a kind of happy place. And it works well – lots of the time.
But sometimes it’s also what keeps you up at night, right? Sometimes trying to predict and fix feels well….. relentless.The more you think, the more anxious and stressed you become.
You know what that feels like in your body.
Distracted. Exhausted, withdrawn. Agitated. Like a hot wire is running though you, like your mind is a supernova? Exploding. IN HYPERDRIVE.
No one is their best self or living their best life in that state.
I call it Circling the Rabbit Hole.
Rabbit Hole
A bizarre confusing situation, environment or automatic mental process
chasing something complicated
Hard to get out of
never truly arriving anywhere
Familiar?
PROBLEM SOLVING or Circling?
STRATEGY OR RABBIT HOLE
Both begin with some version of these two words
WHAT IF?
So how do you know which process you are in?
How do you recognize rabbit hole ‘what ifs’ and what do you do when you find yourself there?
Rabbit Hole ‘what ifs’ are not problem solving. It can begin by feeling that way, but it is not problem solving. Just relentless. Just hard.
Trying to use predict and fix thinking on things that are not concrete obstacles –
over which you have little influence and you are likely circling the rabbit hole.
You mistake thinking for action. You mistake thinking for solution. The outcome is anxiety
So …. when you get that feeling in your body or you are facing something that feels complicated, the very first and most important question you can ask is: “Am I looking at a PROBLEM where problem solving will work or a RABBIT HOLE where it will not.
It can be easy to confuse them so here are some clues.
PROBLEM ‘what ifs’
A concrete obstacle
Predicting is based on experience, knowledge, strong probability, evidence
Actionable
We can Influence or resolve it
Rooted in articulated goals
There is an end even if another problem piece arises
“This WHAT IF “ thinking brings empowerment, relief and accomplishment, even excitement
RABBIT HOLE ‘what ifs’
Predicted on INFINITE hypothetical catastrophic possibilities
Not influenceable or fixable BECAUSE they do not currently exist except in our imagination
Abstract and absolute (should Must Never, always)
Rooted in fear
Unproductive -just more of the same outcomes
WHAT IF Thinking ‘brings anxiety and depletion
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MOST STUFF HAS BOTH PROBLEMS AND RABBIT HOLE
Examples:
This is a good idea
Get a diagnosis
Your partner leaves
You are not happy in this relationship
You lose a contract – bank says no
You have an urge to …..
You feeling angry… or happy.. or… I you’ve let someone down
You forget to do something
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MY EXAMPLE
I agreed to give a talk to a group of successful entrepreneurs
One side were the strategic, problem solving what if s.
“What if I give a talk and don’t pick something of interest?”Problem? Yes. Obstacle to success? Yes. Influencable? Yes? Can I take action? Yes. Ask around. Was I relieved after talking to some current clients about what would interest them? Yes.
The problem side does not keep us up at night. It’s what we add to it with rabbit hole thinking.
On the other side - where we are focusing today, is the rabbit hole what if process
Been on that slide? From vision, self-reflection into self-doubt, overwhelm, self-criticism, and even self-defeating behaviours.
I’m giving a talk. I have something of interest.
What if my clients are wrong?
What if I can’t communicate effectively?
What if I embarrass myself? And…….
What if I look at the audience and they are obviously bored?
Ill let everyone down - everyone else is BETTER?
I’ll never have another opportunity this good and and…. and
My dreams are crushed and ………..
Phew! None of that was actually or currently solvable no matter how much thinking I did. I was just circling the rabbit hold trying to solve ………..? WHAT?
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So, the second important question is:
What’s in the rabbit hole?
Where is the white rabbit leading?
It’s the circling that’s the problem
SO NOW
JUMP IN
Ask, what fear are my “what ifs’ trying to SOLVE? Protect me from? Direct me toward?
It’s often at least 1 of these 4 things.
Emotional Echo
Emotions experienced in highly INTENSE PAINFUL event
usually in your far past, often childhood
Locked in your emotional memory
You desperately try and avoid any echo of that emotion
(being the eldest of three girls and always outside the sibling circle)
BREAKING A BRULE
A bull**t rule
Vishan Lakhiani The Code of the Extraordinary Mind
Describes bull**t rules
Decided by others
They get tightly bound to good, bad, right, wrong, lovable, unlovable
They become an automatic and unconscious basis for judgement
(ALWAYS FINISH WHAT YOU START – NO MATTER WHAT!!!DON’T STAND OUT
Future Regret – “If Only”
FEAR you will get to be x age and … If only
Had taken a different path wrong road,
Not missed some critical opportunity
Have an unmet longing
it’s too late for……
Moral Outrage
Believing you can’t stand it when if can’t make something right or the way you want!!!
Some things are simply not fixable in themselves
(I want to be a rock star or……6 FEET AND WILLOWY.
As long as you keep circling, anxiety wins
The trick is to recognize when you are circling the rabbit hole, jump in and follow the rabbit all the way down and through, understand the message you are hearingand make it a problem you can solve.
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Use the Following Five Steps
1. Recognize: Rabbit Hole (use your body and rabbit hole criteria)
2. Pause with curiosity (regulate if needed with cold, rhythmic exercise, tapping, breathing, distraction, self-soothing)
3. Separate any actual problem or obstacle that is part of the event and solve it (use problem criteria)
4. JUMP: Emotional Echoes, Brules, Future Regret, Moral Outrage? What is the fear? NO RIGHT OR WROING HERE JUST ONFORMATION. YOU STILL HAVE CHOICE.
5. Operationalize Turn the fear into a solvable problem with these questions.
What old feeling experience is echoing?
Acknowledge, process and release the echo. Is it helping younow? Are you actually okay now?
What rule are you keeping? Whose rule is it? Why?
Name it and call bull**t on the rule. How is it useful now?
What aspect of your life, values, or song in your heart are youcurrently neglecting?
Putting on hold? Look at balance and true priorities. Have you forgotten or not named some core value?
What reality am I refusing?
Are you simply stamping your baby feet?
Then explicitly define what is important about what you want (rock star, tall and willowy)
Never wait in line
Make people happy
Able to wear certain clothing
This can tell you something important. Now you can find other ways to achieve it.
DO THIS BY CHANGING WHAT IF ? TO SO WHAT ?AND NOW WHAT?
SO WHAT? HELPS YOU UNCOVER AND NOW WHAT? GETS YOU SOLVING.
In themselves the first three steps tend to ease the tension.
These steps actually begin to reveal the goal, create a concrete goal, or uncover a constraint or obstacle hidden in the fear. ‘OBSTACLE’ is the definition of a problem and you are very good at solving problems.
Not a one-shot magic bullet, you may need to turn your mind to it again and again, you may find it’s a circle not a sequential list of steps, but this is a process that works.
It’s also one of the most intense pieces of work my clients do. So be patient and compassionate with yourself. See it as an adventure, a gateway into your best future.
Love and be grateful to your anxiety. It has an important message for you.